…. apparantly that isn’t just the title of a movie with with Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaghy but a horrible series of habits that I seem to have adopted as common practice?
What is my problem? What secret event happened without my knowledge and turned me into some paranoid, irrational nut job? The truth? I have no idea.
When did life become so serious? I mean, I’m a mum to a beautiful 3 year old who keeps me forever on my toes and I have a man in my life who I never thought, in my wildest dreams, would want someone like me. A mum.
Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t change being a mum for anything on Gods green earth. I willingly made sacrifices when I chose to have her. I chose to give up the desire to go travelling, to go back to uni and get that degree. That was my choice. Only me.
Moreover, after fighting for the men in my life and have that fight returned with being cheated on, I vowed I would never fight for another man in my life. Yet here I am, desperately wanting to fight to keep this man in my life and worrying about what I’ve got to fight with? I have no great career – I work in a job I semi-hate where the majority of people are, well, just alright. I can’t just up and move at the drop of a hat or go round the world on a whim. I have responsibilities and commitments here. My daughter needs stability, she needs me to available to her when she needs me and that means doing a nine to five job that my heart isn’t really in.
So where’s the problem?
Well, here’s crazy, irrational thought number one: What happens if he gets a better offer from someone younger, slimmer and further up the career ladder? What do I have over this other (imaginary) girl that would keep him with me? In my head: nothing. I have no desirable asset that would possibly keep him in my life. So what happens? My head says ‘Well, he’s going to go anyway so why don’t you act like a complete cow, chuck him out and then at least it’s over on your terms’. So I do. I play out this whole scenario that hasn’t happened in my head and before I know it, I’m screaming at him that he couldn’t possibly want someone like me and that I don’t need him so he should just go. WHAT THE HELL IS MY PROBLEM? Where in any of that does it say ‘Baby, I love you. I know you love me. Everything else is irrelevant.’
Now, onto nut job act number 2: his ex girlfriend. Never in my life have I been OK when a guy has said to me that he is still on really good terms with an ex. The truth is, those guys have been few and far between. But not him. His ex is a very important part of his life and he made that very clear when we first got together. I didn’t try and change it then because it genuinely didn’t bother me. I knew in my heart that it was history and if he’d been open enough to tell me about it what was the issue? None. Do I really want to ask him to stop talking to her? God no. But please explain to me why my head freaks out when they have a conversation that doesn’t take place at home? A little voice whispers in my ear things like ‘he’s obviously moaning about you to her’, ‘he clearly isn’t happy with you and is discussing it at great length when he always said he’d talk to you’ but my favourite irrational whisper has got to be ‘he isn’t over her you know and you’re crazy to think that you’ll ever fill her shoes, she’s far more exciting than you are and is a major factor in his past’…….. So what do I do? I go off on one about how I’m not her, I’ll never be her and if that’s what he wants then he may as well just go. Psycho! All the while my heart is trying to scream that it doesn’t matter what he does because in about 5 minutes he’s going to walk through that door, hug me and we’re going to sit and have dinner together. And who care if she has his past… I’m his future? Cue Heart being cruelly stamped on by head.
It doesn’t just stop there you know. It seems to be constant at the moment. It seems to be that I will have any argument humanly possible with him. I test his patience and his love and that is so unbelievably wrong. In fact, if I witnessed someone treating a friend of mine like that, I’d go absolutely berserk. Yet I’m the one the responsible this time round.
All I can put it down to is fear. Pure, unadulterated fear. Fear that I’m not enough for him anymore. Fear that I’m no longer exciting and that he’ll want more out of life. And whilst I know it’s wrong and I know it will push him further and further away, I can’t seem to control it.
But my heart is slowly winning the battle with my evil, stupid head and fingers crossed it’ll be victorious. If it doesn’t, I’ll lose the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time. That is fact.