I think it’s fair to say that I am not a good patient.
In fact I’d go as far to say as I’m a bloody awful one.
No really. I’m awful.
In my capacity as Super Mum (a title bestowed upon me by The Girl) I can handle all manner of voluntary and involuntary bodily functions: sneezes, sick, poo (runny and otherwise), dribble. You name it, I can handle it.
Except when it’s mine.
I hate being ill more than I hate doing the ironing. Being ill makes me feel crap. Yet, I gave birth! By some miracle, I managed 18 hours of labour to give birth without so much as a sniff of gas and air but I’m completely wiped out by the flu.
In my defence I did have that flu. The dreaded H1N1. The Swine kind.
The Hot Geek’s bloody fault. He got it and decided to breath on me and pass his germs over share! The only person in the house left to infect was The Girl so I did the only sensible thing and pack her off to Nanny’s for a couple of days.
Good job too because I went from Super Mum to Crap Mum in the space of about 9 hours. I felt rotten.
The nice people in our Government decided to run pandemic flu line which said that I needed to check my symptoms against their list of recognised ones. I wondered how I’d faired:
- Unusual Tiredness
I slept for 11 hours, got up and went back to bed for another 4! Check.
There must be an ultra small midget tormenting me with hot pokers behind my eyes. That’s how it felt. Check.
- Runny Nose
I’ve just opened toilet roll number 2. Check
- High temperature
Does 38.6 degrees count? Check.
- Muscle aches?
I feel like I’ve been thrown out of a moving car. That’s a check.
- Loss of appetite
Food disgusts me.
Yep, that’s my lung right there on the carpet. Check
- Diarrhoea or vomiting
Christ, I have NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE YOU !
Learn to recognise the symptoms?
You’re kidding right?
SCREW YOU – I’M LIVING THEM IN MY OWN SPECIAL HELL ON EARTH!