It’s after 11pm. I can hear the rain pelting against the bedroom window and the wind is so strong it sounds like the windows are going to blow in.
I’m laid in bed, snuggled up to The Hot Geek. All is calm, quiet and peaceful.
I break the silence:
Me: Why do you love me?
SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!
Epic fail me. Epic fail.
Grrr quick, quick – take the question back!
Oh God, has he heard it? Has he heard the question? The little voice in my head tells me to roll over, very slowly and look – if his eyes are still closed he hasn’t heard and I can sleep easily……
Gingerly I roll over so I’m laid face to face.
The Hot Geek’s eyes are open, full whack and he’s kind of just grinning at me.
He’s saying nothing.
Why? Why isn’t he saying anything? Why isn’t he laid there declaring his undying love for me? Who cares if it’s after 11pm and we’re trying to get to sleep???? Hmmm??
WHAT IS HIS PROBLEM?
Has he forgotten why he loves me? Why can’t he find a single endearing feature of mine to love (although in his defence I’m wondering myself at this point if I actually have any endearing features )
Worst still – does he love me at all?
It was too much to bear. One million stupid, stupid thoughts in what felt like half a second.
Short of taking myself into the hallway and kicking my own ass I opted simply to tell myself again that I’m an idiot and close my eyes hoping that I’ll a) forget what had just happened and b) try and think of something else to change the subject.
Me: Baby, did you lock the front door?
The Hot Geek: No baby, you did
Me: Oh, of course I did. G’night.
The Hot Geek kind of strokes my hair and just says “Good night baby”
Fuck, fuck and double fuck!
5 little words was all it took to change my mood.
Will I never learn!
Stupid, stupid, idiot.