Miss Cherry Red

Motherhood. Love. Life. And everything in between

There are several things about childbirth and life with a new born that I think every mum should be duty bound to tell their daughters. 

Mine did not do such a hot job on filling me in on motherhoods little niggles.

I know why too….. Because if she had, I’d have probably said no to children:

1: The Pain

My mother failed to mention, despite several requests how much childbirth hurts.  It’s a bitch.  Don’t get me wrong: I loved the end product.  But the process, the labour.  Just awful.  The contractions, the pushing, the burning and ripping sensation ‘down there’.  Just the worst thing I’ve ever felt

2: Kiss your sex life goodbye

I like sex (or for the more sensitive amongst you, I like making love).  There I said it.  For the first time since starting this blog, I mentioned the ‘s’ word.  It’s nice.  No wait, it’s pretty effing wonderful.  I used to like taking the time and making the effort where sex was concerned. 

That all went out the window when The Girl came along.  Just as you’re about to get all fruity, the baby cries, poo’s and needs a change or requires feeding.  At 4am?!  Why?  Are they made with a built-in sensor?  It doesn’t get any easier when they’re bigger either.  In fact it’s worse: they could walk in on you????   Damn it. 

3: Goodbye figure

I am a shadow of my former self.  Quite literally.

You know that game you play where you lay down on the grass or in a field and look at the sky and wonder what shapes the clouds make?  You can play that game with the stretch marks on my tummy.

Ahhhh, but it shows you’re a mummy – that’s what I’ve been told when I complain. 

Really?  Stretchmarks? 

No seriously – is it just he stretchmarks that let you know I’m a mummy and not the screaming 3 year old who insists on following me round screaming ‘Mummy, you are NOT my best friend!!!!’

I know I had a waist once – I’ve seen it in pictures.  Pretty little thing it was too. 

Now I resemble a weeble that wont fall down 😦

4: Southward facing boobs

I like used to like my boobs.  They were firm.  Positioned just right under my top and always looked awesome in any one of my fantastic bras.  Not any more.

They’ve lost their firmness – damn you breastfeeding – and they’re at least 2 inches lower than they used to be.  I’m not kidding.  If my new bras aren’t a lift-em-up-and-place-em-where-they-used-to-be bra, I aint wearing it!

5: Abysmal underwear

Until very recently, my post pregnancy underwear (I realise The Girl is 3 but sshhhh) was absolutely bloody dire.  In fact I wore my maternity knickers for a good 12 months after she was born.  Shocking isn’t it? 

My baby knickers were what my gran termed ‘apple catchers’.  They were so huge they sat over my tummy and could tuck nicely under my whopping great big maternity bra.  You know, the one with the four hundred grips at the back and the úber wide shoulder straps.  Boulder holders, that’s what they were. 

I no longer have the ability to wear sexy underwear.  Not because I don’t want to, it’s because I’m so out of practice with them.  My underwear draw used to be filled with thongs: practical thongs for work, lacy thongs, pink thongs, frilly thongs.  I even owned a thong that was made out of candy – although the though of actually wearing it filled me with dread, all those little sweets…. what it one inadvertently came away and got lost…. doesn’t  bear thinking about.

Now, it’s filled with big pants.  Comfortable pants that don’t slip into my unmentionables and drive me nuts.  Bras have become more practical too.  Big bras to keep my boobs pointing where they should.

Poor J – I’m not surprised he closes his eyes when we’re in bed together – looking down at at some of the worlds worst underwear.

But not all of it is bad.  On special occasions (like the rare night I might get to go out) my body is adorned by all manner of shapewear.  Item’s with wonderful names like ‘Banger Boosters’, ‘Curve Controllers’ and ‘Boobylicious Basque’.

They don’t make me a size 12 again, but they do iron out the lines and make my boobs fabulous once more!!!  They pull you in, push you up and smooth away the wobbly bits down the side. 

A very BIG thank you to Aunty Gok for creating them – mwah 🙂

My list is a lot bigger than this, but hey, it’s a start….

One thought on “things your mother doesn’t tell you about childbirth

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