I must be getting old.
More and more in life irritates me. Small things mostly. Things that don’t necessarily affect me directly but annoy me all the same.
Others are things that people do and they do affect me and that really pisses me off.
So, think of everything that follows as a handy guide to dealing with Miss Cherry Red.
Because I’m really nice like that (but mostly because I had shit all else to do).
If you feel the need to text me then please for the love of God, spell the word as you would find it shown in the English Dictionary.
The following are not words. They do not register with me and I have no desire to learn what they mean:
LOL / LMFAO / ROFL / TXT / 2BH / ATEOTD / ?4U / ❤ / M8 / Gr8 / idk / ttyl / ttyn
If you include them in your text, do not expect me to reply. IF I do then you’re fucking lucky but please don’t expect it to be remotely linked to yours. It will be a random reply.
Their / There / They’re
You will note that these are three different words. Each has their own use and meaning. Please learn the difference. It’s not bloody difficult. I mean, you’re taught which one to use at school for fucks sake. For those who remain unclear, and there are plenty of you, here are some examples:
I like what they’ve done with their bedroom…. all those whips and chains…
Jesus, look at that big fucking bear over there.
I don’t know what they’re doing in that bedroom but she sure sounds like she’s enjoying herself.
Learn. The. Difference.
Late night phone calls
I am not single any more. I have a family. A family that includes a soon to be 4 year old. A late night for me is going to bed at 11pm.
The last acceptable time to call me during the evening is 10:30pm. Sharp.
Do not call me after this unless it is an emergency. And by emergency I mean that someone close to me is either dead, dying or they’ve been involved in a very serious accident. Either way, if the outcome means I need to haul my ass to the hospital then this is an emergency and justifies a call beyond the deadline.
The following are examples of non emergencies:
You’ve lost your keys and you’re wondering if I might know where they are. If I did, I’m not going to tell you. Just to spite you because you woke me up.
You’re laptop or computer has flagged up with some message, you don’t know what it means and you’re wondering if I do. I probably do but like the whole key issue, I’m not going to tell you. For the same reasons.
You’re out with your mates and there is a song being played that you think I absolutely have to hear. It can wait and I will red button you. Don’t be offended or shitty with me. You were warned.
For the record this does not give you licence to call back and fill my voice mail with a song I can barely hear over the sound of pissed up idiots in the bar.
I loathe spitting. Loathe it.
Why people do it. Why? It’s really fucking disgusting. Do you know how many germs are in your mouth?
Oh, you do. Well thanks to you they’re now all over the path and I’m having to avoid it.
Not all dog owners though. Just the ones who let their dogs shit on the path.
Is it so difficult to take a bag with you to pick it up and put it in the bin? No it is not.
I remember questioning some miserable old bag once after she let her dog take a dump right outside my front gate once. The very gate I had to walk out of in the morning, with my kid.
She said that she didn’t like it in her garden because she had to pick it up and touching dog shit was ‘dirty’
What the fuck? If you can’t clean up after your dog, then don’t fucking own one.
So, there you have it.
What do you think?
Something to take on board. Abso-frigging-lutely.