Disclaimer – I’ve drafted, written and re-written this post several times today. I’ve hit save as draft and I’ve hovered over ‘delete’ a few times because I’m THAT nervous about publishing it………… but I always said that my blog was my space and if I can’t say it here… then I can’t say it anywhere
Today is my 34th birthday.
That’s right. 34th.
I’ve been dreading today for weeks.
How many exactly?
I don’t know… but quite a few.
I want to say I’ve accepted it and I’m at peace with it.
But that would be a lie.
But this birthday hasn’t arrived without an epiphany of sorts.
And that epiphany is a realisation.
The realisation that I am my own worst enemy.
I wont lie, I’ve been told it before but let’s be honest……. something doesn’t mean shit until you tell it to yourself.
And here’s why:
The Hot Geek and I have been together nearly 5 years and I have never ever loved someone as much. Scouts honour.
He makes my whole heart happy.
But if you were to ask me if I make that obvious every day I’d have to tell you, with my head hung low in shame, that the answer would be no.
As if that wasn’t bad enough I’ve probably not made loving me back too easy either.
You see, I have a thing. A Miss Thing actually and she makes me crazy.
She is the evil voice in my head that makes me doubt how he feels.
She is the green eyed monster that rears her ugly head when a pretty, younger girl looks his way.
She is the skinny, carefree, childless woman that can do what she wants, when she wants and is more than ‘just a mum’
But the more I’ve tried to ignore her and pretend she doesn’t exist the worse she’s been.
Her latest rampage has been about my birthday. She’s taken my insecurities about my age and my child bearing, marriage wanting future and turned it against me.
“Why aren’t you engaged?” she sneers.
“If he loved you like you think he does why hasn’t he asked you”?
“You know why he hasn’t don’t you?? You’re old”
“You’re not getting any younger are you? You wait much longer and there wont be any point you having more children”
She rampages round my head and a tiny bit of my heart breaks every time she does.
Her voice in recent weeks has been so loud that when I’ve talked about it to friends, they look at me like I’m nuts.
And I am nuts.
But she’s so loud. She’s been so hard to ignore.
She drowns out all the common sense.
Instead of looking at him and believing what I already know I listen…. and I listen to her.
I allow her free reign in my mind when what I should do is ignore her and look at what’s in front of me.
I should look at what I have.
I’ve been an idiot.
I am an idiot.
I’ve finally realised that if I continue to allow her to live in my head I will ruin everything I have and she will win.
And I can’t do that.
I am my own worst enemy, I know that now.
But I’ll tell you what I’m not.
I’m not a loser and I won’t be beaten.
So here it is.
Her eviction notice.
We’ll call it a birthday present to myself.