The words ‘You have one new email’ from match flashed across my notifications bar.
Silently I chant my new mantra ‘Please don’t be weird. Please don’t be weird. Please don’t be weird’.
I open the message and it reads:
“Hey, I really loved your profile and I think it was very brave of you to let your friends write it. I’m tempted to ask if you had to bribe them to be kind about you but I suspect not, you have a really pretty face, you look kind and honest”.
Given I like my ego (not a euphemism) stroked on occasion as much as the next person, I hit reply.
Fucks given? Zero.
My reply was:
“Ah thank you, that’s very kind of you. I didn’t have to bribe them to write nice things about me but they do now have a vested interest in my dating endeavours so I have to give them progress reports :-). How are you?”
Now, I never met up with this guy who we’ll call Mr Dublin, but over the course of a week or so, our conversation went like this:
Mr Dublin: I’m really good thank you, tired from all the travelling though. I work in London. Canary Wharf actually, lovely but a bit hectic. How about you? What’s work for you?
Me: I work for a Digital Marketing company in Bracknell. Nice and local thankfully. I used to work in Canary Wharf – many moons ago though, couldn’t go back to going into London everyday. Do you live in London?
Mr Dublin: Kind of.
OK, I’ll bite
Me: Kind of?
Mr Dublin: I’m from Dublin actually, still live there but stay in London Monday to Friday for work.
Me: Oh wow. You must really enjoy your job to be so committed to coming to London for work. What do you do?
Mr Dublin: I am. But my family are all back home, so as vibrant as London is, the city can feel a bit lonely.
Here we go….
Me: Ah, I see.
Mr Dublin: Look, you seem really nice so I feel like I should be 110% honest with you.
Tell him to fuck off and hit delete
Me: You know you can only be 100% honest don’t you?
Mr Dublin: I have a wife.
Mr Dublin: Wait, look, I’m trying to be honest. I’ve been married for a long time and my wife lives in Dublin. She’s my best friend and we get on really well but, well, she doesn’t stimulate me. Physically.
Mr Dublin: Me and my wife have an agreement. We don’t want to separate so while I’m in England if I want to seek out the company of another woman I can. I’m totally open about it with her.
Pretty sure it’s ‘my wife and I’ asshole
Mr Dublin: Come to London.
Me: You’re joking?
Mr Dublin: No. Come to London. I’d like to get to know you. We can have dinner.
Me: Not even if hell freezes over.
Mr Dublin: LOL. Stubborn. I like that in a woman.
Persistent little fucker aren’t you
Mr Dublin: Where do you live? I can send a car to come get you and bring you to London. We’ll have drinks and dinner. You won’t have to pay for a thing. I’ll be a total gentleman.
Who will no doubt want to screw me after dinner. Like a gentleman
Mr Dublin: I can put you up in a hotel if you don’t want to go home. I’ll make sure you get home the next day. We’ll have fun, I promise. I’m really quite funny.
You’re a fucking moron
Mr Dublin: I’m serious. The whole evening will be on me.
And you’ll be in me given half a fucking chance
Me: Look, I’m not sure how many times you’ve used this line on women before and how many of my kind have been bimbo enough to fall for it but I’m not interested. Take the money you’d spend and get yourself some therapy. You clearly need it.
Mr Dublin: You’d be well compensated for your time. Its not just dinner and drinks I’d cover.
Me: Sorry? Did you just offer to pay me for sex? Are you fucking serious? London is full of places where you can rent a woman by the hour so if you’re that fucking desperate and your right hand is no longer working for you sunshine, you might want to look there. My tetanus isn’t quite up to date and men like you make my skin crawl. I feel sorry for your wife. Fuck off and don’t email me again.