Miss Cherry Red

Motherhood. Love. Life. And everything in between

The past few months have been the darkest I’ve known and I was really hoping that The Girl and I moving into our new house would give me the closure on that chapter of my life that I so desperately wanted.

I hoped it would be the light at the end of my tunnel.

But it wasn’t.

I’ve felt miserable.

I am miserable.

I loathe living on my own.

When The Girl and I are here together we potter around the house, we do chores, we play in the garden and have picnics together and everything is fine….. and then she goes to bed and my happy face falls and I feel completely alone.

I haven’t got the hang of enjoying my own company and I really miss having someone to talk to and I really never thought that making one side of the bed would feel like a knife in my heart each and every day.

I know I sound miserable and I know in time it will get better and things will get easier but it’s so hard to feel any positives.

For now though I’ll smile, I’ll nod, I’ll say I’m fine and take each new day as it comes.

Categories: life

“You want this more than me”

Six words.  Six little words.

Go, on.  Count them.

One.  Two.  Three.  Four.  Five.  Six.

Six.  Words.  That.  Broke.  My.  Heart.

I don’t really remember much about the conversation after we’d had it.  But I do remember leaving it feeling like my world had finished right there.  I felt like I’d been walking and walking and I’d reached the edge of something and all that I was faced with was nothing.

I remember crying and crying and crying.

I cried so much I felt empty of tears.

I went home, slapped on my happy face, sorted out The Girl and cried some more. I cried until my face felt burned by tears and until my eyes stung so badly the only respite I had was when they were closed.

But I don’t remember sleeping.  I remember feeling sad and devastated all the way to my very soul.  I swear I could hear my bones sob and what I needed was someone to fix me.  The problem was the one person I needed more than anything else on earth to make everything better was the one person who 3 hours before told me they didn’t want me anymore.

That was is hard to handle.

Thoughts raced through my brain like a relay team passing one baton to another, practical things like the mortgage being in joint names – what would we do?  Where would I I live?  Where would he live?  What would we tell people?  The Girl?

Oh shit, The Girl.  What the hell were we going to tell her?

We decided on nothing.  Not for the moment.  The Hot Geek said we needed to work out what we were going to do now and until that decision had been made she didn’t need to know.  How confusing would it be to be told that Mummy and Daddy aren’t together anymore but continue to live together?

He had a point.  I know he did but it was so hard looking at her smiling happy face knowing her world would be so different soon. It is still so hard.

The Break Up happened at the end of May and my life since is a never ending cycle of unhappiness.

I shower in the morning and I cry.

I make dinner and I cry.

I get into bed and I cry.

Not everyday, but most days.

The Hot Geek asks me what’s wrong, he wants to help, he wants me to not feel sad and I tell him that he can’t help me.  Not anymore because how the can the person who has left me devastated possibly help me feel better?

I know I sound like a broken record, really I do and deep down I’m sick of feeling unhappy, upset and miserable and as much as my head wants to rule my heart and lead the way back to some semblance of happiness I just can’t help it.

I mean, haven’t you ever felt such overwhelming sad??   And not just sad, but heart-in-a-million-pieces-black-soul sad?

And the worst thing about it is sometimes it sneaks up on me like a ninja when I least expect it.

Just when I’ve started to convince myself that I’m doing OK, that I’m ready to try and move on, someone, anyone, looks me square in the eye and asks me how I’m doing and that’s it – I fall to pieces.  I wave goodbye to the Happy Face I’ve spent most of the day wearing and wipe away my facade with my tears and I find myself a sobbing wreck trying desperately to say “I’m fine”.

But I’m not fine.

I’m heartbroken.

I need to retrain myself.

Learn to say new things like ‘I’ and not ‘we’ or ‘us’.

Someone asked me recently if I was single and I said “no” before I quickly corrected myself because I know I am.

Well, my head does.  My heart doesn’t.

Single.

What an awful word.

Single.  One.  Lonely.

Those are the thoughts that come to mind when I say it.  That’s how the word makes me feel and it’s odd to think it refers to me now.

It’s hard.  Un-natural.

Single.

I’m single.

Why though?  Why is it so hard to say?  Why do I feel so terrified of one little word?

I think it’s because that one little word means I have to find a whole new way of living on my own, with The Girl, without the man I thought would love me forever and it’s that that scares me death.

Categories: life

So… I’ve literally just read The Girl a bedtime story and shortly after she decided she wanted to have a conversation with me.

I shit you not, this is how it went:

The Girl: D’you know Mummy, I am you and you are me?

Me: Really?  Why’s that then?

The Girl: Nanny said so.

Me: Uh-huh and why did she say that?

The Girl: Because when I ask her who am I she say’s I am you.

Me: That’s not true.  Did you tell her you have the name Bridget because I found you under a bridge?

The Girl: *laughing* NO YOU DIDN’T!

Me: Well where do you think you came from?

The Girl: *whispers* God.

Me: Do you?

The Girl: No *hysterical laughing*.  You made me.  Not God.

Me: Did I?

The Girl: Yeah.  Not God.  I don’t believe in God.

Me: *gigles* I did make you, yes. But you don’t believe in God?

The Girl: Nope.  Or Jesus.

Me: If you don’t believe in God and you don’t believe in Jesus… what do you think about the Bible?

The Girl: *more hysterical laughing* Come on Mummy….. it’s just a silly story book!!!!

Me: *open mouthed*

For the record, The Girl attends a Catholic Primary School so for any parents concerned that it might brainwash your child, don’t.  Mine doesn’t believe a word of it !

Categories: life

Disclaimer – I’ve drafted, written and re-written this post several times today.  I’ve hit save as draft and I’ve hovered over ‘delete’ a few times because I’m THAT nervous about publishing it………… but I always said that my blog was my space and if I can’t say it here… then I can’t say it anywhere

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Today is my 34th birthday.

That’s right.  34th.

I’ve been dreading today for weeks.

How many exactly?

I don’t know… but quite a few.

I want to say I’ve accepted it and I’m at peace with it.

But that would be a lie.

But this birthday hasn’t arrived without an epiphany of sorts.

And that epiphany is a realisation.

The realisation that I am my own worst enemy.

I wont lie, I’ve been told it before but let’s be honest……. something doesn’t mean shit until you tell it to yourself.

And here’s why:

The Hot Geek and I have been together nearly 5 years and I have never ever loved someone as much.  Scouts honour.

He makes my whole heart happy.

But if you were to ask me if I make that obvious every day I’d have to tell you, with my head hung low in shame, that the answer would be no.

Disgusting eh?

As if that wasn’t bad enough I’ve probably not made loving me back too easy either.

You see, I have a thing.  A Miss Thing actually and she makes me crazy.

She is the evil voice in my head that makes me doubt how he feels.

She is the green eyed monster that rears her ugly head when a pretty, younger girl looks his way.

She is the skinny, carefree, childless woman that can do what she wants, when she wants and is more than ‘just a mum’

But the more I’ve tried to ignore her and pretend she doesn’t exist the worse she’s been.

Her latest rampage has been about my birthday.  She’s taken my insecurities about my age and my child bearing, marriage wanting future and turned it against me.

“Why aren’t you engaged?” she sneers.

“If he loved you like you think he does why hasn’t he asked you”?

“You know why he hasn’t don’t you??  You’re old”

“You’re not getting any younger are you?  You wait much longer and there wont be any point you having more children”

She rampages round my head and a tiny bit of my heart breaks every time she does.

Her voice in recent weeks has been so loud that when I’ve talked about it to friends, they look at me like I’m nuts.

And I am nuts.

But she’s so loud.  She’s been so hard to ignore.

She drowns out all the common sense.

Instead of looking at him and believing what I already know I listen…. and I listen to her.

I allow her free reign in my mind when what I should do is ignore her and look at what’s in front of me.

I should look at what I have.

I’ve been an idiot.

am an idiot.

I’ve finally realised that if I continue to allow her to live in my head I will ruin everything I have and she will win.

And I can’t do that.

I am my own worst enemy, I know that now.

But I’ll tell you what I’m not.

I’m not a loser and I won’t be beaten.

So here it is.

Her eviction notice.

We’ll call it a birthday present to myself.

Categories: life

Dear chap on bike

Whilst I commend you for wanting to do your bit for the environment and cycling please don’t act surprised if I nearly take you off your bike when you dart in front me, at night, with no lights, no helmet and no high viz vest.

Idiot.

Nearly doing time for running you over, Me

*******

Dear bloke in the ice cream van

To the left of your steering wheel you’ll see a small lever.  Pushing it up or down turns the blinking orange light on the outside of your van on and off and lets everyone else on the road know whether you’re turning left or right.

In future, might I suggest you use it BEFORE you pull out in front of me.

Dickhead.

Driving without the aide of a crystal ball, Me

*******

Dear Man sitting in the middle of the roundabout

Did you see the words in the white box that you’ve parked over?

No.  Thought not.

Well, the words read KEEP CLEAR and it’s a rule.  Not a request.

Sat waiting for you to move the fuck on, Me.

Categories: life